A letter to myself.

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i start asking myself, what i did wrong till i find myself to be in this 'chaotic' situation. I rarely doing bad in my exams. In fact, i always score (bukan nak bangga) but something is not right during this 6 phase of Boeing 737-400 course. I only pass three phase out of six and to make thing worse, i failed once again in the re-examination i attended last week for phase one exam. That means i have to wait for up to next october to resit for another re-exam. This disappoint me to the bottom as when i close my eyes, i hope that when my eyes are wide open, i can say, "Gosh! Luckily it is just a nightmare" but i cant, because it's not a nightmare. It is a cruelty i did to myself.

Yes, i studied. I spent the whole night reading and memorizing. I pray to Allah. I ask His blessing, His guidance, and i seek for His assistance.

I walk into the exam hall with confidence, but when i'm left with the questions, i start to get confused. Everything started to jumble up. After all, i am the one who step out from the exam hall with a big regret.

But today, after weeks of sorrow, i want to smile. I want to give myself a humble smile. A big smile, as big as this world. Because i want to tell myself, that this does not mean the end of world.

Most of us, including myself, feel so sad and disappointed when we fail in our study. Yes, we have to. We are 'paid' to learn. We are sponsored and it is our obligation to Allah, and to our sponsor whether it is our parents or other agency.

It happened that i failed the exam, but i dont want to fail to fulfill my duty as a student. I will have more exams coming up after this, and i urge myself and i promise, i will put more effort. Prophet Muhammad said, a muslim are those who will not fell into the same hole twice. Insya-Allah, there will be no more failure next time. Flying colours, insya-Allah!

But one thing i realize, most of us are only focussing on our dunia. We put all our effort and time to build our dunia. We spend our quality time to fulfill our dunia demands and desires, and we only spend a little time to build our akhirat.

We say to others, "I know that islam encourage us to learn. Here i am, learning"

But is our knowledge make us to be a better person? A pious muslim? Or at least, make us to be more afraid to Allah?

This is what islam defines knowledge; lesson that makes us to be closer to Allah and at the same time, make us afraid to against His orders.

Some brothers even stay awake until dawn, but when fajr comes, they sleep without pray first. Is it the purpose of life?

We put so much effort, attention, and care of what will happen for the next two or three years, but we forget to put a tremendous effort to find our key to enter jannah.

I can tell all of you; that failing exams is bad. Yes. None will say it is okey. It is bad. But although it is bad, we still have a chance to correct it. But let say, we fail to qualify to become a candidate of jannah, do we have a chance to get back to the world?

Dear brothers and sisters, Imam Ghazali one day, ask his students, "What is the most far-away thing in this world?"

Some answer, stars, universe, sky, etc.

Imam Ghazali dont deny the answers but he said to his students; "It is our past"

None of us can go back to the past. Even to rewind a one second moment, we cant. Same as this world. If we get to worry and obsessed with our dunia, then please remeber...

Although Allah says He will never change a man's fortune except we change ours first, that does not mean that Allah want us to be the slave of dunia. Dunia is lasting. We all have our own share on this small dunia. How much our rizki, how long we will be on this world, who is our spouse, when we will die, etc... all of this are planned and written by Allah in luhf mahfuz.

Dont be too worry.

But please be worry of what happen if we die in this few seconds. Start asking; if my time to left this world is tonight, do i have much amal? Do i qualify to enter jannah?

Or else, Allah will ask, "What did you do with your time on the world? You are 30, 40, or 50 years old when you died. What you did during the period of life?"

Allah will never ask, "Why do you fail the exam". No inquiry for that (except that we really dont study and dont strive, because when we dont study hard and dont strive, that reflects we dont have the integrity and that is a sin)

Merely friends, strive and study hard for the sake of Allah. Dont be like me. For me, i think i've done my best, but looking at the result, i know that my 'best' is not the same with Allah's definition of 'best'.

Insya-Allah, i've learn this lesson from a painful way and i hope all of you can be a clever people (more than me), because i remember a scholar said, "A person is one who learn from his own mistake but a clever person learn from others mistake"

Dont be a 'moron', because a stupid person will never learn and will keep repeating the same mistake all over again.

Allah, i seek your forgiveness.

I promise to myself, for the sake of my love toward islam, i must clinch a success in my study... because study is number one, but dakwah isn't number two.

Todays ummah needs not only a bunch of people who can pray and recite quran, but also the people who can raise awareness of islam, in their own field. Own way and own ground.

Dear all, i'm sorry...